Structure and agency
Just now I re-read Georg Simmel's "The Metropolis and Mental Life". Simmel focused on the tension between the form (urban social relationships) and content (the individual) (Smith 1979). So, basically, Simmel theorized that urbanites have certain attitudes that are different from non-urban people as a defense mechanism against the tensions that they experienced in the urban society. Like Freud, Simmel also considered that the individual is oppressed by the standards of society. It is the "standards of society" that he meant by the "dominance of form over content". This results in the blasé attitude or exaggerated self-display as the coping mechanism.
As much as I wanted to criticize Simmel for his methodology that he used to arrive at his theory, today I just felt that tension in my own life. My February is very much gone now. There's too much going on: from my special field exam to fellowship application, class presentation, and dissertation proposal hearing. I'm excited to be ABD* by the end of the month, but of course before that this will be a long month.
I guess I just learned that I cannot avoid being driven by the expectations that the society, including myself, impose upon me. For example, pursuing a Ph.D. brings tension on myself. Sometimes I reflect on my own self, am I really ready for it? This is not a matter of low self-confidence. I am talking about the expectations that will be imposed upon me.
By saying "expectations", I don't only mean the responsibilities that come from that academic degree. I'm more referring to the expectations on me as a social being. For instance, giving to others and contributing to the society brings great joy. That said, I realized that there's so much out there to be learned. Giving is not only about others, it's also about myself. I should be able to take care of myself first before starting to take care of others.
I learned that the act of giving should also consider how we make other people and our society grow. Giving is not just about helping others go through hardship, but it's about playing a role in growing their independence. Making other people dependent on me is not always a good thing. It makes them have high expectations on me, and sometimes it is unbearable. Moreover, it makes them take me for granted.
I want to reclaim my ownership in making decisions for myself. I need my integrity in determining what I want to do and to what I want to be committed to. Having others decide for me on how I should spend my time and determine priorities made myself powerless. This tension between the social relationships (form) and me as the content should not be a conclusion of what an urban life is. Nor should it discourage me to live in the city, but it should be seen as an opportunity to learn how to stand up for myself.
*ABD = "anything but dissertation"
Sources:
Simmel, Georg. “The Metropolis and Mental Life.” In The Sociology of Georg Simmel. New York, NY: The Free Press, 1950.
Smith, Michael P. The City and Social Theory. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, 1979.
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